Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

Thought For the Day

First published on Opera, Fri 23rd Apr, 2004.

I spoke to a friend of mine on the phone recently, and he asked if I was still putting my diary up at Terror Tales. I informed him that I had given that up, that although my message board remained, my Opera weblog - this one here - had taken over the role of diary. However, I went on, I wasn't really posting much in the way of events in my daily life and so on, but was leaning more towards the dog-collared vicar in a swivel chair with a cup of tea on late night TV, giving his 'Thought for the Day.' In fact, I enjoyed this impromptu fantasy so much - I've always wanted to wear a dog collar - that I decided it must happen. If someone out there has the power to make it happen, then get in touch with me NOW at nopperabor@hotmail.com.




And now, dearly beloved, my thought for the day... I happened to be watching the television the other day when I tuned into a programme which went by the title of "The End of the Story" or some such thing. It was a competition. A number of successful authors had penned the beginnings to some short stories, and the viewer was invited to finish the story of his or her choice. Representing the horror genre we had that great... er... stalwart Shaun Hutson, author of such edifying works as Slugs and More Slugs and, Yet More Slugs, These Ones Even More Horrible Than the Last. As I listened to the voice of this great luminary of literature, it came to me that this was the very man upon whom Garth Marenghi was based, and not, as I had suspected, myself. Shaun read out that characteristic prose of his, as sharp as a potato, his voice containing all the drama and intelligence of such great orators as David Beckham, or, dare I say it, George Bush. "Slugs is what I would call classical horror," he droned. Ah yes, classical horror! You mean, when great conductors find themselves up against an army of carnivorous slugs with nothing other than their batons and the works of Mozart to preserve them? And I thought to myself, "Is this man talking bollocks, or what? The slug is in the garden, God is in his Heaven, Shaun Hutson is a 'successful' and professional writer and 'master' of the horror genre, and all is right with the world!"