Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

Quentin Crisp/Quentin S Crisp – Who Do I Think I Am?

I wanted to see if I’m famous yet – ha ha! – so I looked up my name on Google. Well, there are a few entries there. It is interesting to find one’s name in unexpected places. One entry was a kind of catalogue listing a number of small press publishers and giving information on their releases. In an entry on an anthology containing one of my stories was contained the following quote: “Any collection with a story by Quentin Crisp is worth having for eclecticism alone.” I was quite pleased with myself. Someone’s been following my progress and decided that my work is not only eclectic, but worth seeking out, I thought to myself. Then I noticed another entry, about a short story collection to which I had written the introduction. “Interesting to see an introduction provided by the best-selling author Quentin Crisp, who usually does not stray into the realm of genre fiction,” ran the quote. I don’t know if that’s verbatim. Great! I thought. I’m a fricking best-selling author and I didn’t even know it! I’ll have to get on the phone to someone or other and check out how I can collect the royalties I didn’t know I had… and so on. But what does he mean, “usually does not stray into the realm of genre fiction”? Surely I’ve done a fair bit of straying in that area? And then it dawned on me – whoever wrote this thinks I’m the OTHER Quentin Crisp. Let’s try and clear up this confusion, shall we?


Here is a picture of the other Quentin Crisp:




Now, here is a picture of me:




I’ve just been interrupted by my friend Ross, where was I? Oh yes, this is me, the one without the heavy make-up.


Yes, you may be wondering, but which one is the REAL Quentin Crisp? Well, I’m quite fond of the other one, but now that it’s me against him I have to be merciless and say, I am the real Quentin Crisp. How can I say that with such certainty? Well, there’s a rather boring explanation. I was christened Quentin Crisp. He was christened Dennis Pratt. It’s that simple. Ah, you might say, but what’s in a name? He is the real Quentin Crisp in the sense that he is the famous and therefore the definite article. Hmmm. I wonder. I have suffered for my name in the playground and in adult life. I routinely carry my passport around with me, and, when people refuse to believe my name, which is a frequent occurrence, I show them. While Dennis may have suffered for many things, I don’t think he suffered for his name. I think I have earned my name.


So you’re the real Quentin Crisp, then? Well, what does that mean? Who do you think you are? This is the kind of question that I feel I will have to face a number of times before I die. Strangely, I do have quite a distinct idea of who I am, though it’s not an idea that is easy to put into words. I say ‘strangely’ because, these days it’s practically a heresy for any intellectual to suggest that there is such a thing as a self. I, on the other hand, for better or for worse, am very attached to the self and to individual identity. That attachment to individual identity is…er ….very much a part of my identity. That is why, even though, for years and years, to this very day, I hate and detest introductions, because I will have to give my name to someone, when it came to trying to make up a pen name with which to write, I just could not do it. I could not think of anything apart from the name I have. I identify with my literal identity. That’s the kind of guy I am, and I no longer expect anyone to understand that.


Quentin Crisp – it’s hardly a common name, is it? It would have been the perfect symbol of my individuality if only it had not already been identified with a famous person. Now, instead of individuality, it must be the symbol of a kind of irony, a kind of destiny that is not destiny. And that irony is further increased by that fact that my predecessor changed his name to mine. I kept mine the same, but now it looks as if I am the one following in his footsteps. Anyway, you can tell us apart because I use my middle initial, S, as my official pen name.


I suppose you want to know if I’m gay, now, too? For the answer to that question you’ll have to read my works – especially The Haunted Bicycle, which should be out soon-ish – and try and work it out for yourself. So there.