Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

2+2=?

"People love the summertime, cos people are (makes bleating noise) sheep."

The above is a quote from Bill Hicks. I'm so glad someone said that. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

I have never been a sun-worshipper. When people complain about cloudy, rainy or cold weather, I immediately feel alienated from them. They clearly operate on a different system to me. I went into the bookshop recently - it must have been Friday - and someone said that I didn't strike them as the kind of person who would appreciate the hot weather. They were correct. I replied that it should never be so hot in England that you actually sweat. Apparently I sounded like Emily Howard, the transvestite from Little Britain. I suppose it might sound a little affected and camp, but there is actually a serious point behind this.



The newspapers have predicted that this summer, in Britain, will be what they call a 'scorcher'. Okay, let's do some basic mathematics. What is two and two? Okay? Have you got the answer? Well, here's an equation of equal difficulty. We know that global warming is a reality. We know that it is happening now. We know that it involves an actual rise in temperatures. We know that we are experiencing unusually hot days. What does this add up to?

"Isn't it great that we're having all these hot days? It's going to be a scorcher of a summer!"

No, it is not great. It really isn't.

Someone lights the gas under the frog in the saucepan. As the water begins to heat up, before boiling him to death, he says, "Great, someone's turned the heating on in my swimming pool!"