Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

A Confederacy of Dunces

Now, here's a good example of the kind of egregious stupidity I was talking about in a previous post, and of the reasons why I hate human beings so much.

It's a news story about flash floods in North Yorkshire. Have a read and see what you think.

I noticed three things.

First of all, there is the use of the word "rooves", which is incorrect. The plural of 'roof' is 'roofs'.

Well, it's a small point, but this is, presumably, the work of a professional journalist, not an amateur like myself, and professionalism is (he says with more than a hint of irony) a virtue worshipped above all others in our modern world.

I think it is indicative of the general lowering of standards in linguistic ability, which is linked to an inability to think clearly.

The next thing I noticed was an absence. Despite mention of "Caribbean-style weather with temperatures in London reaching a country-wide high of 33C", there was not any mention made of climate change. No questions were even raised on the subject.

Britain should never reach temperatures in the 30s.

The final thing I noticed - the last straw, as it were - is an utterly flagitious turn of phrase in the following:

The forecast is for slightly cooler weather over the next few days although it will still be hot and sticky in parts of the South East.

Temperatures there may reach 29C (84.2F).

The rest of England and Wales will feel fresher but still pleasant at 23C (73.4F) to 26C (78.8F).



The offending phrase is "fresher but still pleasant". Let's break this down into its constituent parts. "Fresher" - presumably this means 'cooler'. Cooler than what? Well, let's see. It must mean cooler than 29C, which is the last temperature mentioned. Then we have the word "but", which denotes contradiction or contrast. Even though the weather will be cooler than 29C, it will "still" be pleasant. What on God's Earth is "pleasant" about 29C? That is hot and sticky. It is a heat wave. 'Cool and pleasant' - these words collocate. 'Hot and pleasant' - these words do not collocate.

Did I find the hot weather pleasant last night as I swatted at swarms of whining insects on my walls and ceiling, the sweat dripping down my forehead? No, I did not.

The 'person' responsible for writing this report should certainly be sterilised, and preferably barred from journalism. In fact, I would like to see them buried up to their neck in sand in the desert, next to a nest of voracious, salt-hungry ants. Then we'd see how fucking "pleasant" they found it.