Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

Designer Vagina



Warning! Some of the links in this post lead to sites with adult content!

"Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!"

An irresistible three-syllable pun, from the film Carry On Cleo.

Just as irresistible to me are improbable and polysyllabic rhymes, such as that in the heading of this blog entry. This rhyme is not, I am afraid to say, of my own coinage. I discovered this rhyme when I saw a documentary on cosmetic genital surgery. I think I knew as soon as I heard the phrase that I wanted to use it in a song lyric.

Well, that was some time ago, but it was only recently that the lyric itself actually came to me, in a flash of inspiration. It was while my recent depression was at its worst. I was having a shower, and by the time I had finished I had composed the complete lyric in my head. Did it really take that long? you may wonder. Well, I don't like to rush these things.



When I had dried myself and dressed, I wrote the lyric down on a piece of paper, my hand trembling with excitement; I could now die secure in the knowledge that I had successfully expressed everything I had strived to express through all the years of my miserable artistic struggle.

I actually wrote this lyric with The Cock in mind. I say 'The Cock', but recently the band has undergone a change of identity. The Cock is now Dorothy. Perhaps it is therefore suitable that an apparent change of gender should be greeted with a lyric focusing on genital surgery.

However, it seems unlikely at present that Dorothy will actually use the lyric. Pete Black, the frontman, expressed some doubt to me as to whether he could inject the necessary pathos into the words, so perhaps this blog entry is the only exposure my designer vagina will have.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the lyric in question:

Designer Vagina

I've been suffering from a crippling fear:
Wherever I go, all eyes are on my labia.
It's been a source of misery to me for some years,
But, now, at last, it seems, the answer is here.

No, it's not enough to have the mandatory Brazilian,
Coz, unluckily, my muff is one in a million.

Designer vagina,
What could be finer?
Though I'm hoping that the surgery I need
Will be minor.

Designer vagina,
Designer vagina,
I really won't be happy
Until you are mine-uh!

Well, I'm quite the big spender,
And Doctor, there's the offender.
Can you do something with
My abnormally elongated pudenda?

No, it's not enough to have the mandatory Brazilian,
Coz, unluckily, my muff is one in a million.

Designer vagina,
What could be finer?
Though I'm hoping that the surgery I need
Will be minor.

Designer vagina,
Designer vagina,
I want my genitalia
To resemble bone china.

"That's enough of your lip,"
The surgeon quips,
And at five thousand dollars
It really is a snip.

But I'm quite the big spender,
And, Doctor, there's the offender,
Can you do something with
My abnormally elongated pudenda?