Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

What's In a Name?

As some of you may know, I am booked to sign my latest book at Langton's Bookshop. Langtons is my local and preferred bookshop, and I often go in there just to have a chat with Jon Foulkes, for which I'm sure I must apologise to him. It can't be good for business. Anyway, there is now a sign up in the shop giving details of my reading on July the 14th. Also, recently, every time I've been in I have asked if anyone has phoned up to enquire about the reading. Apparently no one has. That's so discouraging. Indifference is the enemy of art.

Anyway, apparently, a great many people have seen the sign in the shop advertising the appearance of Quentin S Crisp and have complained that it is false advertising, because I am not the 'real' Quentin Crisp. If any of those people are reading this now - and everyone else, please forgive my vulgarity - you are a tedious cunt! I AM the real Quentin Crisp. How many times do I have to explain this? I've even explained it before on this very blog.

However, this controversy has led to a conversation between myself and Jon on the matter of whether I should use a pen name. It is certainly ironic that I should have to change my real name because Dennis Pratt changed his name to mine. In fact, Jon suggested I could change my name to Dennis Pratt. But no, there are very good reasons that Dennis changed his name in the first place. He knew very well that my name was better. However, Jon does seem to think I might have a better chance of finding a major publisher if I use a pen name. Probably because publishers are mainly of the same ilk as the tedious cunts who complain about my name being false advertising.

This is something that has occurred to me before, but I have quite simply never been able to think of a pen name with which I am satisfied. Then there's the fact that there are now people who have read the works I have published so far and are eagerly waiting for more. Jon laughed at this suggestion, which was very remiss of him, but it's true, damn it! I'm even mentioned in Wikipedia, the online encyclopaedia.

However, I have decided that, because I am always wrong, it's probably best to throw the question open to the public. So, I want you all to think of a good pen name for me. Male, female or unisex - I don't mind! If there is one that I decide actually to use - even if only experimentally - then I will send the author of that name a free copy of my latest book, Rule Dementia!. Also, I will be his or her friend forever. However, if all the names are crap, I won't send a prize to anyone.

Now, if you need anything to go on, I suggest you read something I've written. My latest story, 'The Fairy Killer' is currently available free online as a sample. Also, if you need a visual clue, well, there are not many photos of me online, but I'll try and find one to link to.



As usual, I expect there to be zero response to this entry.

Thank you very much.