Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

Desert Island Clips

I had a conversation the with someone the other day about Desert Island Discs. For those of you who don't know, Desert Island Discs is a programme on British radio (apparently the longest running music-related radio programme in the world), in which a guest is asked each week to choose a selection of eight pieces of music (discs) that they would like to take with them to a desert island if they were in the predicament of Robinson Crusoe (minus Man Friday, I presume). They are also allowed one book and one non-practical luxury item. In order to avoid lots of boring redundant choices of the book (I presume again) there are also a copy of the Bible and the complete works of Shakespeare awaiting the castaway on the island.

The conversation that I had centred around the writer Edna O'Brien who, as of the time of writing, was the latest guest on the programme. I suppose I began to think, as we talked, about what I would take with me. I think it turns out to be a very philosophical question, and not one as simple as naming one's favourite pieces of music. These pieces of music, and the book and luxury, should be specifically chosen in order to nourish one in what will be a lifelong isolation, away from all human contact. Some pieces of music, or some books, even if they are your favourites, might, under the circumstances, prove to be undermining to the spirit, or might suddenly seem meaningless. I think, if it were me, I might want to swap the copy of the Bible for the Tao Te Ching, the original text of Taoism. Having said that, the former is a doorstep, the latter a mere pamphlet, so I suppose there might be some disadvantage in that. I may well take a volume of the tales of H.P. Lovecraft with me as my own choice of book, partly because, of all the writers I have read, his work is the work I have re-read the most. I have recently read Michel Houellebecq's H.P. Lovecraft: Against the World, Against Life, a cracking read that also includes two of Lovecraft's stories (in this edition). I haven't re-read any Lovecraft for years, but since it was there staring me in the face, I decided to do so and find, after all, even now I am not disappointed. I have not outgrown him. Also, his work is not concerned with matters of human interest, with society and so on, but with things on a cosmic scale, in which human life pales into insignificance, so they would not remind me so much of the society to which I could never return, only inspire in me thoughts of awe about the cosmos in which I had my brief existence. But to be honest, that's just a choice off the top of my head, and if, for some strange reason, I really were to be marooned on a desert island for the rest of my life, I might want to think more carefully about my choices. (Incidentally, there was a very distressing item on the news last night about some islands in the Pacific whose inhabitants are having to leave because of rising sea levels. So we might not have desert islands for much longer. God, why don't we all just kill ourselves now and get it over with!)

Anyway, I haven't really had the time or the energy to think seriously about my own desert island discs, but what I have decided to do is compile my desert island clips, that is, my YouTube clips. This selection probably won't be that representative, as my discovery of YouTube is only fairly recent, and I haven't really saved that many to favourites as yet. But it will be representative of something, I suppose. In any case, I thought it would be an easy way to write a reasonably entertaining blog entry. So, without further ado, here are my eight desert island clips:

1) Laurel and Hardy, Western Dance - Well, some things are beyond words. This is just about as ineffable as it gets:



There were a number of good Laurel and Hardy clips, and I almost chose this one as a piece of kitsch erotica and for the postmodernist value of watching a fake 'desert island' dance on a real desert island, and also just because.

2) Kate Bush, Violin - In one of the Austin Powers films, Dr Evil is incredulous with joy when his son gets him a very special birthday present: "You haven't got me fricking man-eating sharks with fricking laser beams on their heads?" I think I felt something similar when I discovered this next clip. "Kate Bush in a fricking bat costume singing fricking Violin and dancing with two men dressed as actual fricking violins one of whom actually fricking tries to strangle her before a really fricking tall man does a guitar solo?!!!" What more could you want?



3) Brass Eye, Pulp Spoof - I'm a relative latecome to Brass Eye. I'm most familiar with Chris Morris' work in Jam and Blue Jam. I'm also a fan of Pulp. I have no idea exactly how far Chris Morris wanted to stick the knife in on this one, but I like it anyway. It just happens to be a really great angle to take for an especially good impression of Jarvis Cocker and Pulp:



4) Thousand-Hand Guan-Yin - This clip was introduce to me by Lord Whimsy. I don't really know what to say about it. It's like some kind of hallucination. Just watch it:



5) Aidan Smith, Early as the Trees - I found this clip on the blog of Aidan Smith. No, not that Aidan Smith, the other Aidan Smith. Or another Aidan Smith. Anyway, it appealed to me for some reason. I tend to hate music videos, but not this one. Rather fey and whimsical. I know nothing about Aidan Smith, though, either of them:



6) Elliott Smith, Lucky Three - This is a very simple 'documentary' showing Elliott Smith playing three of his songs and wandering around Portland, Oregon. I find it incredibly poignant for some reason:



7) Kigurumi, Tarako Tarako Tarako - I think if I ever needed to drive myself all the way into insanity as an escape from loneliness on my desert island, I'd just watch this clip over and over until my mind was finally ground down into gibbering idiocy. Actually though, it is quite cute:



8) Morrissey, I've Changed My Plea to Guilty - Well, it was very difficult choosing one Morrissey clip, but I settled on this one, because it's a particularly good performance, and because the song might be soothing to me when I was feeling very lonely. I almost chose The Last of the Famous International Playboys, though.