Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you

I've been tagged again, by Mark McGuinness. I've decided to accept this challenge, despite a feeling that I've rather exhausted the mine of random factoids about myself (of which I have to provide eight this time). I was actually sitting in the cafe in Asda just now (that's not an advert), eating apple and rhubarb crumble and drinking a cup of tea and trying to think of things about myself that I haven't already divulged. It was very difficult. I still haven't thought of eight. Anyway, I decided that anything that happened to me under the age of sixteen was off limits, and similarly, that anything pertaining to such parts of my person normally concealed by layers of fabric was also out of bounds. I hope that this will help me focus on what irrelevant parts of my life I really want to whore out to the reader here.



1) I have a shockingly poor educational background

Specifically, my primary and secondary education is so abominably poor that all those involved (myself included) should be slaughtered like pigs. I actually feel incurably bitter about this, since it's such a waste of my formative years - cruelty without culture or creativity. The educational system in Britain creeps somewhere beneath despicably useless in terms of quality, and apparently other countries look up to our education. So I am told. Let's put this straight, education should immediately give us an idea of who we are as human beings, and where we have come from, so that we can decide in an informed way where we are going. As it stands, it does the absolute opposite. It obscures who we are and confuses us. There really needs to be people getting their skulls cracked over this, because if there were decent education all else would follow. After kids have learnt to read and play with numbers a bit (or even during), they should immediately move on to the origins of the universe and the human race and move forward from there, taking in all the major developments in evolution and history. Also, nothing should be taught as fact, but only as 'the story so far'. It's taken me years just to realise how badly educated I am, and now, because of the schools I was forced to attend, where my delicate brain was left in the hands of criminally moronic pedagogues, I feel that I'll never really catch up with the absolute basics of education such as the history of Western thought from Ancient Greece to present day. Kids should have this stuff pat before they're twelve. These are the absolute basics, with which I am still fumbling. I'm a very slow reader, you see. When I read, you can see my lips move. (I've already broken my own rules, haven't I? This is under-sixteen stuff.)

2) I've never voted Labour.

3) In the CD player downstairs at the moment are five CDs...

... which are on rotation, if that's the correct phrase. I can't mention who the first one is by, because I promised not to mention him for at least a week, but it's his 2006 album. Then there's Caribou. Then there's The Books. Then there's Arvo Part. Then there's a selection of modern American music. As I write I am listening to Great Lake Swimmers.

4) I have a mouth ulcer at the moment.

I get mouth ulcers quite a lot.

5) I wish I could think of something to say that was actually interesting.

I noticed that Mark's 'eight' were really neat little moebius strips. And now I'm being pathetic. But maybe here's one, not particularly interesting. I hate lying. I wish now that I'd never told a single lie in my life. I wish that people would tell kids that it's not 'wrong' to tell lies, but warn them that if they hide these things deep inside, it will rot the very infrastructure of their being, like an infestation of termites. Which is sometimes how I feel about often very trivial lies that I told as a child (broken my own rule again), and which are now too painful, even though they are trivial, for me ever to probe the hollow areas they have rotted out inside me ever again. So, I hate lying, and I hope that I can get through this life without ever telling a lie again, but it might be difficult.

6) I'll probably blog him soon...

... (if ever I say I'll blog something later, you can guarantee I won't), but Ernst Haeckel is one of my favourite artists ever. I smothered my wall with prints of his work in the last place I lived. I wish I could have a mangina just so I could have his bizarre invertebrate babies.



7) I keep thinking now that...

... the first time I get an opportunity (which will no doubt be this coming Tuesday) I want to dress up as Britney Spears and sing 'Piece of Me' provocatively at a karaoke bar. And give birth to Haeckel's bizarre babies at the climax of the song.

8) I'm currently writing a story with Justin Isis...

which will probably be about novella length. I'm excited about it. It seems to be very good so far. I hope we can find a publisher for it. I think it probably falls into the category of 'awesome'.

So, now, are you sure you want a piece of me?



Anyway, I'm also obliged to tag eight people. I will make them people I've never tagged before, if I can. Hmmm. Poor creatures might actually have to read all this if I tag them. Oh well, let's see if I can find some people.

Okay, I tag Sarah, Fluffy Bunny, Gareth Hughes, Lokutus Prime, Kunst og andre slike ting, Violeta, Esther Sugar Winx and Allan.

Please, if you are one of those here, do ignore this tag if you're feeling tired or anything like that. This might well be the last time I ever respond to a tag myself, just so you know. I really feel like I've run out of random facts.

Labels: Britney Spears, Haeckel, mangina