Directory of Lost Causes (By Quentin S. Crisp)

NO2ID

I believe that the implementation of mandatory ID cards is fundamentally wrong. It places an assumption of guilt on the individual citizen. You are placed on permanent parole, in a position where you must justify your very existence on demand to people who don't know you and have nothing to do with you. For this reason, I post the following information, from the Our World Our Say pressure group, to whose e-mail newsletter I subscribe:

ID CARDS. TRUE COST LIKELY TO BE ?300 A PERSON. DOESN'T TACKLE TERRORISM, FRAUD OR IDENTITY THREAT. BASED ON NATIONAL DATABASE THAT TRACKS INDIVIDUAL ACTIONS THROUGHOUT LIFE. UNPRECEDENTED IN PEACE TIME. SECOND READING OF ID CARDS BILL Tuesday.

Click here TO TAKE ACTION.

Dear Friend
How do you feel about an ID card scheme being foisted on the British people that even George Bush described as too "lliberal", when a similar scheme was proposed in the US?

If you're not sure where you stand on ID cards please still take a minute to read on because there's a lot we're not being told by the Government.

The fact is this is not just about a simple identity card: it is actually more about a national surveillance infrastructure - called the National Identity Register - based on the most comprehensive database of personal information ever devised in any country. It could even include the police DNA database, GCHQ electronic surveillance database and phone & internet surfing records.

This database lies behind the ID card scheme. It is nothing like the ID card this country had in the war and is wider in scope than any other European ID card - it is more like schemes adopted in very authoritarian countries, where the police have access to the personal details of every citizen.

I'm writing to you and all Our World Our Say supporters to ask you to take urgent action now to persuade MPs that the British people will not accept this scheme. Go to
this link.

This Tuesday, the 28th May, the ID Cards Bill will receive its second reading. You and I and all who care must ensure that MPs and Home Secretary Charles Clarke receive a massive wake up call from voters. In Australia, in New Zealand and in Canada voters have rejected such a scheme. We must do the same here in Britain.

It will enable all state bodies and even commercial organisations to access a whole raft of information about who we are and what we do. Right through our life every action through officialdom will be recorded. You and I will have little control over the use of this data.

It may be too illiberal for the US but Home Secretary Charles Clarke and Tony Blair clearly think it's not too illiberal for Britain. You and I must prove them wrong.

In the early stages the scheme will be voluntary - but you won't be able to work, you won't be able to access the health service and you won't be able to get a passport without becoming part of the scheme. And the government has admitted that the scheme will become compulsory.

Imagine having to queue to get your fingerprints and retina scanned - and having to pay a significant amount for the privilege of receiving a card. The fact is the total cost has been estimated by the London School of Economics to be at least ?300 per person. The actual cost to you and I may be subsidised by selling the data to private companies but it is still likely to be substantial.

If you don't turn up to your appointment to have your fingerprints, face and retina scanned then you face a fine of ?2,500. You could go to prison for up to two years if you don't sign up for a card. To back the bill up a whole range of new offences are being created - which threaten to make criminals out of thousands of ordinary people.

Why is this card being introduced? None of the Government's arguments stack up. They won't prevent terrorism. All the terrorists who committed the Madrid bombing had legitimate ID cards. Elsewhere in the world ID cards have done nothing to stop terrorism.

They won't stop benefit fraud. 90% of benefit fraud is by people using their real identity. They won't stop illegal immigration. All of the evidence of ID card schemes is that as soon as they are established a trade starts in forged cards. And minority ethnic groups are also concerned because the scheme may be used by bigoted officials to harass them.

The cost will be horrendous. The London School of Economics study estimates that the total cost of this scheme could be as much as ?18 billion pounds. That could buy a lot of schools and hospitals. The government denies this but if a recent leak to Private Eye is true then the Passport Office is already working on the basis that the cards will cost ?300 each to implement.

On top of this the technology is completely unproven. The planned ID card scheme in Australia was driven out by the failure of the technology and massive public opposition.

Help build a bandwagon against the ID Cards Bill. Take action now by:

* contacting your MP and telling him or her why they must vote against this bill. You will be redirected from the Our World Our Say to writetothem.com

* emailing the Home Secretary

* declaring your home an ID cards free zone.

Together we must show the Government that the British people have caught on to exactly what this bill means. Go to this link and take these actions now.

It's vital that we do all we can to wake up the British people to a development that is the most draconian enforcement of a national identity card scheme and database in peace time. We have little time to prevent this becoming law.

Yours

Rob Whitehead

Development Manager, Our World Our Say

PS: It has been revealed that the government has been asked to consider making the national database underlying the ID card scheme accessible to the American authorities.

Please take action today to prevent this scheme becoming law.

You can download an ID card free zone poster from here to put up in your window.

We plan to place adverts in the national press next week about ID cards. To make a donation to OWOS please go to this link

To see if there is a local no2id group to get involved with go to:

www.no2id.net

Dorothy

Well, I've just got back from work.



The train journey to and from can be unpleasant, especially in this abominable heat, and when I have to get up at five in the morning after a sleepless night, but if the train is not too crowded it affords me an opportunity to get some reading in.

Currently I am reading The Passion of the Western Mind, which I recommend to every human being on the planet. But I also tend to glance over the newspapers as I pass through stations and pick up a copy of Metro if I see one.

In the headlines today, I noticed a smog alert. I quote:

"Rising pollution and hot weather has led to the first smog warning of the year being issued."

The article ends:

"Two years ago smog was blamed for causing 800 deaths in Britain."

I also noticed a headline along the lines of "Britain on Standby". This was, I think, in The Independent. The article was about a recent report on the amount of energy wasted (and the implications of this in terms of CO2 emissions) because people don't turn off their electrical appliances, but leave them on 'standby', the electric equivalent of idling. What is standby for, anyway? It usually means not having to get up from the sofa to turn on the TV. Really useful!

I'm thinking now of a class I took this morning. One student told me he was in favour of the total ban on public smoking being discussed now in Britain. I think that, rather unprofessionally for a teacher, I frowned at this suggestion. I didn't mean to. It was an involuntary reaction. It's not that I disagree per se, but I think that there's a great deal of hypocrisy at work here. Let's get our priorities right. If we're going to have a total ban on public smoking, I think we should include cars in that. They are, in fact, a far greater threat to the health of the human race as a whole than cigarettes. Of course, the car lobby is more powerful than the smoking lobby, and that's all there is to it.

Anyway, I finally got back home and took off my shirt. (I have been wearing a T-shirt and shirt in the hope that the former garment would soak up any sweat before it got to the latter and caused huge, embarrassing patches as I stood at the front of the class; I repeat, it should never be so hot in Britain that one actually sweats - we should not need air-conditioning.) Waiting for me at home, as I expected it would be, was a CD of the latest studio session of Dorothy (the new name of The Cock). The CD contains three songs - I'm Your Fan, "You Can't Kill Me - I'm a Genius!" and Fat Lady With Beard - all of which are available for download from the site.



I have the CD on repeat play at this moment. It is full of wit and raw energy, and I recommend that you give the tracks a listen. Below I shall paste the lyrics of Fat Lady With Beard, which I wrote for Dorothy not long ago:

Fat Lady With Beard

We've been waiting for the great unveiling
I've been pupating, transmigrating,
Let myself go and stopped shaving.

Now I stand before the mirror on the bathroom scales.
I am a creature rare and beautiful as a whale.

No press release, it happened quietly
All I did was sell the TV
And throw away those glossy magazines,
And when I then awoke and rose to greet the morning
I stood speechless at the shape I was reborn in.

Fat lady with beard
Fat lady with beard
I don't mind, but I find it
Peculiar and weird

Fat lady with beard
Fat lady with beard
I was blind, but now I find
My inner beauty has appeared

And if you want me to be
Filthy and lewd
Well, for you, I'll see what I can do.
But before we begin with the sin
I must remind you I'm not thin
And I'm prac-ti-cally virgin

So excuse me if I giggle like a nun
As my buttons come undone
One by one
And I dribble all your moody, manly loving
Down my chin.

I'm beyond the jurisdiction of your
Fashionable restrictions, and what's more,
I am free - happy to be ignored.
If you want to know what's in, I'm not on the list.
But life's bigger on the outside, here, without your prejudice.

Everywhere I go there are some who stop
And stare. I don't mind though, 'cause I know
Among the dropping jaws are blokes
Who want me to drop my drawers, their eyes wide in awe,
I'm sure they want to run their fingers through my facial hair.

Fat lady with beard etc.

And trundling around town
In my maternity gown
As rotund as the sun,
How can I feel down?
In my flowery maternity gown
With the sun in my belly,
How can I feel down?

A Confederacy of Dunces

Now, here's a good example of the kind of egregious stupidity I was talking about in a previous post, and of the reasons why I hate human beings so much.

It's a news story about flash floods in North Yorkshire. Have a read and see what you think.

I noticed three things.

First of all, there is the use of the word "rooves", which is incorrect. The plural of 'roof' is 'roofs'.

Well, it's a small point, but this is, presumably, the work of a professional journalist, not an amateur like myself, and professionalism is (he says with more than a hint of irony) a virtue worshipped above all others in our modern world.

I think it is indicative of the general lowering of standards in linguistic ability, which is linked to an inability to think clearly.

The next thing I noticed was an absence. Despite mention of "Caribbean-style weather with temperatures in London reaching a country-wide high of 33C", there was not any mention made of climate change. No questions were even raised on the subject.

Britain should never reach temperatures in the 30s.

The final thing I noticed - the last straw, as it were - is an utterly flagitious turn of phrase in the following:

The forecast is for slightly cooler weather over the next few days although it will still be hot and sticky in parts of the South East.

Temperatures there may reach 29C (84.2F).

The rest of England and Wales will feel fresher but still pleasant at 23C (73.4F) to 26C (78.8F).



The offending phrase is "fresher but still pleasant". Let's break this down into its constituent parts. "Fresher" - presumably this means 'cooler'. Cooler than what? Well, let's see. It must mean cooler than 29C, which is the last temperature mentioned. Then we have the word "but", which denotes contradiction or contrast. Even though the weather will be cooler than 29C, it will "still" be pleasant. What on God's Earth is "pleasant" about 29C? That is hot and sticky. It is a heat wave. 'Cool and pleasant' - these words collocate. 'Hot and pleasant' - these words do not collocate.

Did I find the hot weather pleasant last night as I swatted at swarms of whining insects on my walls and ceiling, the sweat dripping down my forehead? No, I did not.

The 'person' responsible for writing this report should certainly be sterilised, and preferably barred from journalism. In fact, I would like to see them buried up to their neck in sand in the desert, next to a nest of voracious, salt-hungry ants. Then we'd see how fucking "pleasant" they found it.

An Evening With Quentin S. Crisp

I am happy to announce that I will be reading excerpts from my new book - Rule Dementia! - and signing copies, at Langtons Bookshop, Twickenham, on Thursday the 14th of July. Doors open at 6.30pm, and readings start some time thereafter. All welcome!



For more information, please phone Langtons Bookshop on 020 8892 3800, and ask for John Foulkes.

I hope to see you there.

Designer Vagina



Warning! Some of the links in this post lead to sites with adult content!

"Infamy! Infamy! They've all got it in for me!"

An irresistible three-syllable pun, from the film Carry On Cleo.

Just as irresistible to me are improbable and polysyllabic rhymes, such as that in the heading of this blog entry. This rhyme is not, I am afraid to say, of my own coinage. I discovered this rhyme when I saw a documentary on cosmetic genital surgery. I think I knew as soon as I heard the phrase that I wanted to use it in a song lyric.

Well, that was some time ago, but it was only recently that the lyric itself actually came to me, in a flash of inspiration. It was while my recent depression was at its worst. I was having a shower, and by the time I had finished I had composed the complete lyric in my head. Did it really take that long? you may wonder. Well, I don't like to rush these things.



When I had dried myself and dressed, I wrote the lyric down on a piece of paper, my hand trembling with excitement; I could now die secure in the knowledge that I had successfully expressed everything I had strived to express through all the years of my miserable artistic struggle.

I actually wrote this lyric with The Cock in mind. I say 'The Cock', but recently the band has undergone a change of identity. The Cock is now Dorothy. Perhaps it is therefore suitable that an apparent change of gender should be greeted with a lyric focusing on genital surgery.

However, it seems unlikely at present that Dorothy will actually use the lyric. Pete Black, the frontman, expressed some doubt to me as to whether he could inject the necessary pathos into the words, so perhaps this blog entry is the only exposure my designer vagina will have.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the lyric in question:

Designer Vagina

I've been suffering from a crippling fear:
Wherever I go, all eyes are on my labia.
It's been a source of misery to me for some years,
But, now, at last, it seems, the answer is here.

No, it's not enough to have the mandatory Brazilian,
Coz, unluckily, my muff is one in a million.

Designer vagina,
What could be finer?
Though I'm hoping that the surgery I need
Will be minor.

Designer vagina,
Designer vagina,
I really won't be happy
Until you are mine-uh!

Well, I'm quite the big spender,
And Doctor, there's the offender.
Can you do something with
My abnormally elongated pudenda?

No, it's not enough to have the mandatory Brazilian,
Coz, unluckily, my muff is one in a million.

Designer vagina,
What could be finer?
Though I'm hoping that the surgery I need
Will be minor.

Designer vagina,
Designer vagina,
I want my genitalia
To resemble bone china.

"That's enough of your lip,"
The surgeon quips,
And at five thousand dollars
It really is a snip.

But I'm quite the big spender,
And, Doctor, there's the offender,
Can you do something with
My abnormally elongated pudenda?

You Know Where You Can Shove Your Hamburger



I had a dream.

A fairy visited me as I slept, and said to me:

"Imagine a world both beautiful and just, where people live in harmony with each other and with nature. Now think about the steps you must take to reach this world. There are many, many steps to take, but I want you to think about the first step. Good. And now... make a wish."

I closed my eyes.

"I wish that McDonalds was wiped from the face of the Earth," I said, "For it is wrong both morally and aesthetically, and in myriad other ways, and when it is gone a shadow will be lifted from the human soul."

The fairy waved her wand, and, unfortunately, I woke up.

But, good people, we can make the dream a reality, if we simply refuse to support these corporate scum, and stop feeding their poison to our children.

To learn more, visit here.

Ordering Rule Dementia!

Here is some information on ordering my third collection, Rule Dementia! and so forth, extracted from correspondence between myself and the publisher:

If they have a paypal account and want to pay with that, I can take payment at this address: John.B.Ford@btinternet.com

Or they can send a cheque for ?14 or $28 made payable to *BJM Press* to:

BJM Press
95 Compass Crescent,
Old whittington,
Chesterfield,
S41 9LX
United Kingdom

> And is there a fee for postage and packing?

Not for single orders, only for dealers.

2+2=?

"People love the summertime, cos people are (makes bleating noise) sheep."

The above is a quote from Bill Hicks. I'm so glad someone said that. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

I have never been a sun-worshipper. When people complain about cloudy, rainy or cold weather, I immediately feel alienated from them. They clearly operate on a different system to me. I went into the bookshop recently - it must have been Friday - and someone said that I didn't strike them as the kind of person who would appreciate the hot weather. They were correct. I replied that it should never be so hot in England that you actually sweat. Apparently I sounded like Emily Howard, the transvestite from Little Britain. I suppose it might sound a little affected and camp, but there is actually a serious point behind this.



The newspapers have predicted that this summer, in Britain, will be what they call a 'scorcher'. Okay, let's do some basic mathematics. What is two and two? Okay? Have you got the answer? Well, here's an equation of equal difficulty. We know that global warming is a reality. We know that it is happening now. We know that it involves an actual rise in temperatures. We know that we are experiencing unusually hot days. What does this add up to?

"Isn't it great that we're having all these hot days? It's going to be a scorcher of a summer!"

No, it is not great. It really isn't.

Someone lights the gas under the frog in the saucepan. As the water begins to heat up, before boiling him to death, he says, "Great, someone's turned the heating on in my swimming pool!"